I Didn’t Make it Out Unscathed
No one on this earth seems to be immune to bullying, and neither was I.
Now, my bullying story isn’t as dramatic as others you may have heard, but it was bad in its own way. I didn’t get stuffed inside lockers or beat up in the parking lot, but I was systematically classified as the one and only outcast by my peers in my small town school, and everyone treated my like I was a flea on a dog’s back. When they had to interact with me they made it seem like it was physically painful for them to have to acknowledge my existence. Every word they all spoke to me was dripping in annoyance, no matter how polite and nice I always was to them.
You see, small town schools are interesting. In teen movies you always see an exaggeration of all the different castes, right? The jocks, the popular girls, the goths, the geeks, etc. In small town schools however, where there’s maybe a hundred kids per grade, everyone pretty much strives to be the same. Sure, we had the popular kids and the athletic kids and such, but no one was flamboyantly nerdy, geeky, goth, or anything. Everyone was more or less the same “type”.
Everyone except me.
That was the root of all my troubles. I’ve always stayed true to myself, and when I was very young changing who I was to fit in with my peers never even occurred to me. As I got older, I started to see how everyone bent over backwards to fit in, and I knew deep down that doing the same would make me miserable. So, I was my tomboy, makeup-free, boy drama-free, bookworm-y self, and I stuck out like a sore thumb.
I remember how much my stomach sank when the teacher told us to get into groups to work on something. Before long, I didn’t even bother trying to get into a group and would just immediately start to do the work on my own, unless of course the teacher decided to force me into a group, where I then had to deal with the general disgust my presence brought on.
I remember hating recess, because I had nothing to do. For the most part, I would bring a book with me outside to read until the bell rang.
I remember I would often make friends with the new kid, only for them to ditch me after a few months once they’d made other friends and no longer wanted to associate with the weird kid.
Finally, I got to high school, where we were joined by kids from other schools, and I met people who were like me. I made my first real friendships then, and we remain friends to this day.
My experience could have made me go one of two ways: made me very bitter and turned me into a cold, rude, stand-offish person, or made me more compassionate and emotionally intelligent. I’ve always been proud to say that I became the latter. I know how dangerous my words and actions can be, and every time I find myself wanting to tell someone off the words die in my mouth. I always wonder if my words could be that person’s last straw. When I see someone being excluded in a social setting, I go out of my way to bring them in, because I know how it feels to think you’re just a waste of space and no one would notice or care if you just disappeared. No matter how stressed, upset, or sad I may be, I never take it out on someone else.
But you know what? They did break me… because as much as causing pain to another human being is something I just can’t bring myself to do, I’ve also found that I now have absolutely no tolerance for people who cause pain to others. Those who bully and use others, those who freely give out sass and attitude for every minor inconvenience, those who act selfishly no matter what it does to others… I LOATHE these people.
They bring out an intense indignation within me that then turns into near rage. How DARE you act like this? Who in the HELL do you think you are? You no-good, worthless, garbage human being. May karma come down on you with an iron fist and make you suffer ten times the pain you’ve caused to others. I have this same reaction for someone giving attitude to a Starbucks barista than I do for someone screaming racist insults. I hold others 100% accountable for everything they do and judge them harshly for how they treat others.
Somewhere along the way, I lost some of the compassion that used to fill my heart. You’re the type of girl who keeps a handful of guys in love with you and use them to make yourself feel better? I don’t care if you have self-esteem issues or you’re confused or whatever your excuse may be, you’re simply a selfish brat in my eyes. You snapped at someone unprovoked today? I don’t care of you’re tired or stressed or what have you, I just think you’re a dramatic piece of work. You cheated on your partner, leaving them with trust issues for the rest of their lives? I hope you die alone in a nursing home with no family to see you off, because that’s what you deserve.
I so strongly believe that there’s no excuse to hurt another human being that I condemn everyone who does it, and I don’t have it in me to forgive any offence. I’m like the Ghost Rider, the spirit of vengeance who can see the bad in everyone and wants to punish them for it.
I’m actively trying to become better, to give others more benefit of the doubt… but I’m not sure I can.
